The other day I read an article in one of my favourite blogs,* about the first year of marriage being the hardest in compatibility, understanding and adjustment. I got interested. To brainstorm on a subject that never loses its sheen and element of curiosity is creatively challenging. After some pondering and empirical debate within, my take on the fascinating theme emerged. This is how I figure it out.
I feel marriage is a rediscovery of oneself at every stage. But let me begin at the beginning. This particular journey starts on a high melodramatic note, accompanied by no holds barred celebratory grand show of jubilations, excitement and enthusiasm. Euphoria as always is transitory. So the hyped tempo changes dramatically soon after. Within a few months of marriage, the intensity of physical attraction starts waning and the mystery of romance and union ,the powerful factors behind the feelings of mutual passion slide down. The mundane routine sets in. A girl who had drawn an idealistic picture of marriage feels disillusioned and bored to tears.
Men regard marriage as a part of life, subservient to their career and other interests. A woman on the other hand stakes everything on the premise that she is entering into wedlock with her dream prince charming and a rosy life of love, romance and passion is there for her, as a matter of course. How stupid dear darling! Her feel good hormones around matrimony elevate her spirits into an emotionally excited state which is akin to sweet insanity. She remains in a state of blissful day dreaming when the ceremonies are underway, anticipating vague magical moments, with the handsome young man entering her life. Her fluttering heart places him on a high pedestal ,where he epitomizes grandeur of undying love, chivalry, goodness and images of how he would sweep her off her feet in an electric embrace. The emotional roller coaster of her heart freezes the voice of her head.
But sadly the sensuous sandy castle crafted by the bubble of honeyed prospects, bursts too soon ,throwing a young lady into a shock. She feels cheated by deglamourized reality.
A man doesn’t have such unrealistic expectations though. After the honeymoon is over he resumes his routine as usual and his girl feels let down and confused. She faces unpleasant surprises, which are bound to be there.
This I think happens in every marriage because a girl has grandiose notions about her dream man, who fast enough turns out to be no way nearer the image of a debonair and a gallant young man portrayed in Mills and Boon romances of her adolescent years.
(Actually the success of soft romances is due to this very fact that these take a woman on a fancy flight into a paradise of sorts where the hero is strong and dashing and prepared to risk jumping into the lions den for his lady love. But such romances are comforting as leisurely read for pure pleasure of expressiveness.)
Such is the stuff that an educated girl feeds on – a world of fabulous fantasy where she and her dream guy are the protagonists and nothing else matters.
But if a young girl overcomes this period of unpredictability and opens up to ground realities, slowly overtime the married state falls into a pattern of modest love hate relationship, alternating between intense moments when you hug your man on impulse of reminiscence, or teary eyed you use choicest expletives under breath to vent your anger at his stubbornness or some perceived injustice.
This is the beginning and married life goes on, competing in a continuous hurdle race. And the show goes on with twists and turns, with some hotspots, some spills of over reactions, some wordy battles and some placidly flowing serene moments of togetherness.
For marriage to sustain, being incommunicado is no option at all. Anger and grievances fester in silence. Ego should not be allowed to impede the first move to break the ice.
Respect and acceptance of each other, an apology here and there and a caring attitude, go a long way in smoothening the furrows and abrasions of hurtful situations. Though the two bars of the rail track never meet, but they reach the destination at the same time.
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Very true. This is why, families marry in India and not the couple. It makes adjustment a little easier I suppose.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, romantic love, too gets cooled down , even after knowing each other years before tying the knot.
Once the couple get into comfortable home life, the actual behaviour,and the true character comes out in the open..
It is better taht the girl behaves in a right way, but emphasizes her preferences at the outset. She needs to let people know she will go this far, and no further, and she too needs a life. Mostly it the girl who adjusts.
Ofcourse, the mothers in law , the husband , too have to mark their boundaries and explain when things go out of hand.
It is all adjustment and compromise, for the sake of love and affection and friendship. If these are not present in a marriage, it is a torture.
But how many have that maturity? I hear a lot of cases of marriage break - ups, and it saddens me.I only wish the couples find the next partner atleast , with eyes fully open, without getting carried away by electric romance in the air :-)
Please read the blog of Indianhomemaker.It is full of young ladies having a mind and will of their own.
Sorry , too long a comment.
Well said Pattu!Your assertions and observations are so right.If only the couples have some degree of maturity then painful break ups can be avoided.
ReplyDeletePersonally I feel unless the relationship is abusive, utmost should be done to preserve it, at whatever cost. Who can guarantee the success of the second attempt?
Romance is always short lived and it beguiles the girls more.
I agree that marriage is all sacrifice for the sake of life long companionship and security.
Only some sweet memories make up the hurts which are not a few in any marriage.
Enjoyed reading this post!...Loved the concluding lines of what are essential for successful relationship :)
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot Valli!
ReplyDelete