EXISTENTIAL OUTPOURINGS

Whereas the years on my life calendar are getting shorter, my intuitive reflections keep unfolding new truths, newer realizations. Funny isn’t it? At my age I should have learnt by now, whatever there was to learn in this life. But surprisingly my sense and sensibility are acquiring sharper edges and finding fresh insights into unexplored psychic depths. In between I’m testing the utmost of my patience with my own self and the world.

On a personal level, exigencies of life situations predominate. Who knows what casual utterance here and there may cause fissures in the life’s apple cart? There is always a danger of being misunderstood. “Why take risk my dear”, I say to myself. Perhaps I have realized that silence is golden and saves one from much devastation. But then you are type cast as stupid. Bundles of contradictions. There is no safe escape.

How lucky our politicians are in this regard.  First they spew poison with well thought out strategic statements against their opponents and when it achieves the desired effect they buy back their ethics by saying they have been misquoted. Why can’t one do that in one’s own small world, where words have to be measured? Relationships are like unknotting endless riddles and being sweetly compromising. On the flip side being analytical robs you of hope.

On another level in a family set up, your freedom is disgraced the moment you stick to your contention. Your near perfect choices are taken as poor seconds at best, though taken up later on the strength of merit. You have ideas, even some wisdom and sufficient sensibility, but you are timid, lose confidence, capitulate too soon. Under the givens, the ready to snap peace around you, only stands smart foot falls and no vibrant participation.

I feel a woman always wears a shroud of boundaries. She is always being tested. Never a finale, where she is defined and that is it. She must know the perceived reality being the unreality. Of course her vulnerabilities are beyond her. Can a woman trudge the sullied paths all alone? Nah. she will be mutilated by the walking sharks, trampled upon with derision, laughed at, mocked at. Even an amazon would die many a time for mere survival. And we talk of flying like a bird, safe, free and tweeting and singing soulful melodies!

My disjointed thoughts are like the layers of the subconscious which is made up of infinite images securely resting till there is a drag, a tugging which boils over in this monologue fashion on paper. It just happens by chance, without any plan. A woman’s position is grist for unlimited discourses.

Life’s rainbows are transitory however dark menacing clouds and hopeless scenarios abound. Why is life a ‘general drama of pain’? More so for women. The eternal Eve can’t escape the pain and blame. Women love intensely, and foolishly start expecting love in return. When will women come of age? Don’t they know that men are from Mars and women from Venus? The humanity within us is gullible. Let’s admit we need men. Women’s equality remains a distant dream. 

What do you think?