LOVE, MARRIAGE AND NOTHINGNESS

Around six that evening, when the doorbell rang, Eshan was busy getting things ready for the evening's party. Wondering who had turned up so early, he grumpily went to the door. It was Nathan. "I'm here to help you," he said with a smile. "How much can you possibly do all by yourself." Holding forward a single rose that had a long, slender stalk, he bowed dramatically. "Congratulations. For now, you could stop being jealous," he sneered. Eshan knew that the emphatic 'all by yourself' was hardly intentional, but it bothered him.

In fact, Nathan's two double-edged statements, Eshan understood obliquely and for a second unsettled him too. But he had no mood for a face-off. Nathan being his one friend who could be relied upon whenever.

Nathan understood fully well how Eshan’s silliness had derailed his ‘Apple Cart’ maybe forever. Eshan had a few good friends who in fact, envied his good fortune in marrying a sensible girl like Nikita. But Eshan’s childishness mistook his friends’ freewheeling as a road to heaven, which he was deprived of because of his family. This immaturity of Eshan always bemused Nathan. Poor foolish Eshan had not grown up indeed.

…

Despite his wavering perception about marriage, things on the surface level seemed tolerable for Eshan till a few months back, when Nikita suddenly left him taking along Appu his toddler son. In fact, Nikita had been walking on spikes for quite some time and had cushioned her feet to avoid the pricks. However, constant prick points do bleed. Her suffocation got accentuated by the tyranny of silence, which had slowly crept into their existential space. Misunderstandings piled up. Scowled foreheads and pursed lips were tell-tale undercurrents of love gone sour. Nikita who had been brought up under the canopy of the overflowing love of her parents was devastated. Unfortunately, Eshan refused to accept it.  And this drastic step was the only option for Nikita to save her self-esteem.

With his self-centered approach, Eshan took Nikita’s acceptance of his idiosyncrasies for granted like traditional husbands. She’s not the nagging sort. Her stoicism could weather storms and she had negotiated many. In between, she had tried to vent her frustrations a couple of times though. She hated scenes as she’d do anything to maintain peace, maybe a fragile one. By nature, she was incapable of harming him any which way. Yet his egotistical punches remained unabated ignoring her frequent mild pleas. He balked when she reminded him of his indifference towards her. He expected her to be at her sweetest best robot-like.

A habit of his that was becoming a major confrontational point was Eshan's throwing parties every weekend. All her pending tasks would remain undone as she expended all her energies in fixing dishes and finishing sundry tasks. For one who was meticulous and loathed to postpone significant responsibilities, it was hard to run the household smoothly.

Thankfully, her mother had painstakingly taught her the basics of cooking though she hated cooking as a young girl. That obviously helped her come up with a fairly sumptuous fare using her imagination and cooking skills. What piqued her, however, was Eshan’s total nonchalance in not recognizing how she consciously tried to do her best as a host. Perhaps for him, that was what was expected and so no big deal. While he felt delighted, seeing people enjoying the food, she felt miserable and ignored. His male ego was too proud to express a few words of appreciation.

The early days of marriage were like moonwalking. She had been crazy about him. He’s her hero. In fact, affection for him carved its special place in her heart even before marriage. Each letter after their betrothal would create sweet turbulence in her whole being making her restless till the next billet-doux. The nostalgia of the romantic meetings on weekends kept her buoyant. Was that phase real or just euphoria she had tried unsuccessfully to figure out? Her caring feelings for him were born out of those ecstatic moments and the consciousness of that allowed her to bail him out of many rash skirmishes he was accustomed to creating now and then.

Even the bile in her heart didn’t make her neglect him in any way. Over time his lack of concern and respect caused a gnawing pain difficult to set aside. Maybe she thought what matters for man is the conquering part. After the battle is won and the hormonal surge ebbs the deeply rooted remnants of entitlements soon cloud the sensitivities. For a woman, a cool serenity and joy take shape in her new role. Why she thought for a woman even for an accomplished and professional one marriage continues to be her lifeline? For Nikita, her home, husband, and child had been the center of the universe. Her commitment to this aspect of married life was total. But Eshan was a man first and foremost, woefully lacking that sensibility.

Her eyes brimmed with stinging tears remembering his callousness once at not informing her before, and coming back at midnight even though she was in an advanced stage of pregnancy. Even today she shudders thinking about the agony of those late hours she went through without any communication from him.

She sometimes introspected and thought how Appu her adorable son was nature’s gift to them but for Eshan it was something which happened as a matter of course. She sometimes mocked herself for passively accepting unjust responses while keeping the hurts locked securely in the farthest corner of her heart.

Nikita recognized that Eshan possessed an extraordinary intellect and was highly qualified (that was what attracted her to him) but as regards the finesse of emotion he had not even entered the kindergarten. His childish perceptions about people sometimes shocked her.

Her emotions for him had purity and honesty. But she always sensed a streak of selfishness in his behavior towards her and Appu. Her persona remained fresh, not even hardened by chilling experiences at the hands of his bizarre family. If only she had not overlooked their idiocies and had learnt to stand firm on the principles, she believed in. However, Eshan would morph into a lamb with blinkers on in their presence. He continued acquitting the brashness of the members of his family. The core values she had inherited made her overlook their outrageous demeanour while she persevered to guard her sanity.

She recalled with pain the bitter experience when she accompanied Eshan to one of his bachelor friends’ party for the first time. Under the influence of liquor, his inhibitions gone, he had remarked how being married was so restrictive. She was aghast at the untruth of that remark. Was his passion for her fake when he’s courting her? Feeling embarrassed and small she noticed his friends sheepishly cast a sideways glance at her while nudging Eshan to be quiet. In the morning he blurted out some conciliating words. But for Nikita it was one more hurt added to the list. 

Still, he could keep his hold on her. Stupid girls can’t see through men’s tricks. So easily they’re taken in.  A few tender moments would blot those upsetting memories and a false sense of rapprochement would prevail for a few days. Appu her cherished love was the bond that kept the fragile threads of their relationship from snapping. He loved his father. Though, disappointedly she always thought, “Can the leopard change its spots?”

There’s another weekend party and he had invited a number of his colleagues. It was back-breaking for her because it’s luncheon and the maid came late. She had prepared the choicest dishes. She even tasted each one though she never used to do that. In her excitement, she unconsciously picked up her special dish and while offering it to one of the guests remarked, “Please do try this delicious preparation.” A glance at Eshan was enough to tell her that there was something amiss. After some time, all guests departed and Nikita busily finished the winding up of the kitchen. As soon as she went to the bedroom, he came from the study fuming. How he kept that vitriolic subdued till then which he lashed upon her she could not fathom. The anger on his face had enflamed his eyes and he spluttered, “How dare you praise your own dish. What about your manners. What would my friends think?” A deluge of spite followed.

Nikita was speechless. Her heart sank.  How dare he! A storm raged inside her. In the heat of the moment, she made a decision which she had never contemplated before.

Her best friend and parents pitched in. She shifted to a flat quite far from this house. She never wished to cross his path even by chance.

It didn’t take her long to adjust. Her professional life got its rhythm back. The maid took Appu to the playschool and brought him back. He was happy because there were many other children of his age group in the locality.

A couple of times Nathan tried to call her but she didn’t pick up the phone. She didn’t wish to entangle any of his emissaries in her private life. Eshan took the hint and retreated into a self-made coop.

Not that memories, remembrances did not torment her but her decision she thought, was warranted under the circumstances.

One day her friend rang her up to inform her about a reputed music company holding a concert in the coming week. Many popular singers were to sing their musical hits accompanied by a band of trained musicians. She agreed and bought online tickets.

Nikita arranged with her maid to stay with Appu until their return.

The theatre was almost packed. Only a few seats remained to be occupied. Her friend and she shuffled a bit to make themselves comfortable in anticipation of an entertaining evening after a long time. As she surveyed the scenario, her heart missed a beat on spotting a familiar figure trying to locate his seat. She was transfixed. Her gaze following his each and every movement. When he looked over his shoulders the pallor on his face was apparent. His gait did not seem self-assuring. There was no mistaking who he was. The look was that of a lost animal. Was he the man she loved? She could not bear that. The pent-up feelings of months flooded every nook and corner within. The stream of consciousness-like placid waves in a narrow stream obliterated all the sins of omission and commission. Love for this lost soul who was searching for his foothold in the sea of strangers around him flowed in torrents. There was no stopping the cascading tears.

Having spent a sleepless night Nikita went to work as in a dream. Her heart was hardly in the job she was doing. Dark clouds of confusion enveloped her thought process. In a sort of delirium, she reached the foot of the stairs to climb up to her flat on the second floor.  She had a faint recollection of somebody coming after her. She unlocked the door and looked back.

Dreamily she crossed the threshold. Eshan followed her and gently latched the door.